How Can I Respond? :: Faith Community
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HOW FAITH COMMUNITIES CAN RESPOND:
You can help if you suspect that someone you know is living in an abusive relationship.

Your support of someone who is being abused can make a critical difference. If she feels supported and encouraged, she may feel stronger and more able to make decisions. If she feels judged or criticized, she could be afraid to tell anyone else about the abuse again.   

Remember the goals:
  • SAFETY for the woman and children
  • ACCOUNTABILITY for the abuser
  • RESTORATION of individuals and if possible, relationship
    • -OR-
  • MOURNING the loss of the relationship


You can help a battered woman:
    DO
  • BELIEVE her. Her description of the violence is only the tip of the iceberg.
  • REASSURE her that this is not her fault, she doesn’t deserve this treatment; it is not God’s will for her.
  • REFER her to the Memphis YWCA battered women’s services at 725-4277; Shelby County Crime Victim Center or shelters and National Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) OR 1-800-787-3224 (TDD).
  • SUPPORT and respect her choices. Even if she is aware of the risks and chooses initially to return to the abuser, it is her choice. She has the most information about how to survive.
  • ENCOURAGE her to think about a safety plan: to set aside some money and copies of important papers for her and children and a change of clothes, hidden or in care of a friend if she decides to go to a shelter. Plan how to exit the house the next time the abuser is violent. Plan what to do about the children if they are at school, asleep, etc.
  • PROTECT her confidentiality.




    • DO NOT
  • Give information about her or her whereabouts to the abuser or to others who might pass information on to the abuser.
  • Discuss with the parish council/session/elders who might inadvertently pass information on to the abuser.
  • Emphasize that the marriage covenant is broken by the violence from her partner.



    • DO
  • ASSURE HER of God’s love and presence, of your commitment to walk with her through this valley of the shadow of death.
  • SUPPORT HER if she decides to separate and divorce and help her to mourn the loss to herself and her children.
  • PRAY WITH HER. If she is Christian, give her a copy of KEEPING THE FAITH: GUIDANCE FOR CHRISTIAN WOMEN FACING ABUSE. Refer to www.faithtrustinstitute.org for copies of this book and other helpful info.



    • DO NOT
  • Tell her what to do. Give information and support.
  • React with disbelief, disgust or anger at what she tells you and do not react passively either. Let her know that you are concerned and that what the abuser has done to her is wrong and not deserved by her.
  • Blame her for his violence. If she is blaming herself, try to reframe: “I don’t care if you did have supper late or forget to water the lawn, that is no reason for him to be violent with you. This is his problem.”
  • Recommend couples counseling or approach her husband and ask for “his side of the story.” These actions will endanger her. Do not give information about her to the abuser or discuss with elders/parish council/session who might inadvertently pass information on to the abuser.
  • Recommend “marriage enrichment,” “mediation” or a “communications workshop.” None of these will address the goals listed above.
  • Send her home with a prayer and directive to submit to her husband and bring him to worship services.
  • Encourage her to forgive him and take him back.
  • Encourage her dependence on you OR BECOME EMOTIONALLY OR SEXUALLY INVOLVED WITH HER.
  • FAIL to act.



    • You can help an abusive partner:

    DO
  • URGE him to be accountable and to deal with his violence, if he has been arrested.
  • ADDRESS any religious rationalizations he may offer or questions he may have.
  • NAME the violence as his problem, not hers. Tell him that only HE can stop it and you are willing to help.
  • REFER to a program that specifically addresses abusers.
  • ASSESS him for suicide or threats of homicide.
  • PRAY with the abuser.
  • FIND ways to collaborate with community agencies and law enforcement to hold him accountable. For information addressing religion and abuse refer to www.faithtrustinstitute.org, erasedomesticcrime.com or contact the Faith Trust Institute at (206) 634-1903.
    • DO NOT
  • APPROACH him or let him know that you know about his violence unless a) you have the victim’s permission, b) she is aware that you plan to talk to him and c) you are certain that his partner is safely separated from him. Do not go to the abuser to confirm the victim’s story.
  • MEET with him alone and in private. Meet in a public place or in the church with several other people around.
  • ALLOW him to use religious excuses for his behavior.
  • PURSUE couples’ counseling with him and his partner if you are aware that there is violence in the relationship.
  • BE TAKEN in by his minimization, denial or lying about his violence.
  • DON’T ACCEPT his blaming her or other rationalizations for his behavior. Do not advocate for the abuser to avoid the legal consequences of his violence or provide a character witness in any legal proceedings.
  • SEND him home with just a prayer. Work with others in the community to hold him accountable.

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